After much urging by my husband... here I am again. About to divulge my heart and feelings for a page on the internet that I don't even know who reads. But it's a good feeling to know someone is reading this and can get a glimpse of how reality hits and we have to grab onto God's hope and keep pushing onward. As I've been contemplating the point of my blog, I've seen that it's morphed into a platform for me to get rid of the taboo of not discussing miscarriages and a way for me to reach women who may not know how to talk about it. I'm a communicator so it has to come out in words some how... why not a blog?
So the other day I went to the library and looked up books on miscarriages and was surprised at how few there are. Maybe 10 in all the libraries in the Mishawaka/South Bend area. I ended up bringing two home. One was a lot of stats on them and how a childless father researched it for himself after his wife was unable to carry multiple children to full term.
But it was the second book that grabbed my attention.
It was about a woman who has one daughter, lost 3 children, then how she did all that she could to carry her 5th child (a boy) to full term. I found it hard to read at times because it wasn't just a story - it was reality. She was honest about her fears and shared alot of the information she found in studies on miscarriages. But she also had no joy in her last pregnancy. It was a very sad, depressing story about how she took all this burden on herself. She all but stated that if she miscarried again it would be her fault for not doing all she could prevent it.
When I first started reading it, I began thinking this way. I needed to know why I miscarried and how to prevent it from happening again. I didn't want to take chances.
But then where did my Faith in God fit in to all that?
I met with a very wise woman and was sharing with her all of this when she stopped me mid sentence and said "Leah, I'm hearing a lot of "I have to". You're taking on a lot of responsibility for things that are beyond your control. That's not healthy."
It was the slap upside the head that I needed to pull myself out of this muck I was letting myself sit in. Looking back, I'm glad I read that book so I know what a pregnancy can look like when you do it in your own power, never letting God carry your burden and carry you through. It's amazing to me how stressed this woman let herself become because she was on her own. Always pushing doctors to do more, and fighting to not connect with the child inside for fear of losing him, all while trying to deal with the trauma of her past pregnancies. She was so alone.
I don't want that to be my story. That thought urges me to write. To talk about Elisha. To share the joy along with the pain.To connect with Jared even if it's a hard conversation. To do the best with what I know at this point to help prepare my body for another baby when we 're ready. The rest is in God's hands. Some days that's easier to let go of, where others I wish I had a list I could check off and at the end say "Okay, I'm ready!" and know without the shadow of a doubt that there will be a healthy baby at the end of the journey.
Then there's reality. Sitting there. Unrelenting. And I know this is the way it has to be. I can wish for that magical list all I want, but it will never happen. So instead, I am asking God what He wants me to do with this part of me. How Jared and I can reach others that have gone through the same heartache. I'm contemplating writing a book. Goodness knows my blogs are long enough! Please leave comments if you've read this. It encourages me and lets me know I'm reaching someone. Sometimes I feel like I'm babbling so an encouraging word would go a long way...