Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Emotional Ups and Downs

“Don’t let your emotions control you.”

Boy, is that easier said than done! I feel like that’s been my battle these past 6 months. God has a funny timing with things. Let me explain. On June 1st, it will have been six months since our little Elisha Gregory went to Heaven. Then on June 2nd, Jared and I will be celebrating our One Year Anniversary! A little bittersweet, but I’m looking forward to both milestones. It means we’re moving forward and embracing what gifts, trials, and blessings the Lord has seen fit to give us.

As these dates fast approach, I am finding myself juggling lots of emotions. Today I got a call from my OBGYN informing me that I need to be on Progesterone permanently. I feel naïve for having thought that I just needed to take it for a few months so my body would get a kick-start on producing the hormone like normal. The call was like a sucker-punch to the abdomen. I was surprised at how emotional I got over this bit of news.

Thankfully, my husband is phenomenal at coaxing my thoughts out of me. You see, to me this phone call was like a confirmation of why we lost Elisha. I’m sure you’re sitting there thinking, “that’s not true!” I know it may not be, but that thought still lingers – good or bad. It’s also just frustrating that this wasn’t taken care of before. I could blame people or myself, but that would get us no where. And even still, I find moments where I’m content to be where I am in life on the family status. Not pregnant. You may think this sounds awful, but there are some perks to not being 7 months along. Don’t get me wrong, I would be swollen and proud of it if Elisha was still in my womb, but I’m learning to be content.

No more “ should be”. Instead I am embracing the “I’m not. It hurts sometimes, but I’m ok” mentality. Along with that, I’ve decided it’s best for me to leave Facebook for a season. With so many friends having babies and swollen bellies, it just sends me on an emotional roller coaster later in the day after I get on. I’m happy for them, I just need a little more space from it all. So I decided to stop inundating myself with baby news via Facebook where it’s ALL OVER my news feed.

I know it won’t be like this forever. For this season, I am choosing to be more wise with what I let myself dwell on and how much I see of certain things that are triggers for me. I am learning that my heart is still fragile, but God is good and I am to be a wise steward of protecting it. For those friends of mine that are pregnant, I’m not cutting off all connection, just on Facebook.  I want to hear how you are doing and am praying daily for health over you and the baby! I look forward to seeing and holding your baby someday… especially my sister’s. Callie May is due two weeks after our Elisha would have been. I know I will cry, but they will be tears of healing and happiness and gratitude for the life we had and for the life, that remains.

He is a good God, Always. And with that I can say, it is well with my soul.