Emotional Ups and Downs

“Don’t let your emotions control you.”

Boy, is that easier said than done! I feel like that’s been my battle these past 6 months. God has a funny timing with things. Let me explain. On June 1^st, it will have been six months since our little Elisha Gregory went to Heaven. Then on June 2^nd, Jared and I will be celebrating our One Year Anniversary! A little bittersweet, but I’m looking forward to both milestones. It means we’re moving forward and embracing what gifts, trials, and blessings the Lord has seen fit to give us.

As these dates fast approach, I am finding myself juggling lots of emotions. Today I got a call from my OBGYN informing me that I need to be on Progesterone permanently. I feel naïve for having thought that I just needed to take it for a few months so my body would get a kick-start on producing the hormone like normal. The call was like a sucker-punch to the abdomen. I was surprised at how emotional I got over this bit of news.

Thankfully, my husband is phenomenal at coaxing my thoughts out of me. You see, to me this phone call was like a confirmation of why we lost Elisha. I’m sure you’re sitting there thinking, “that’s not true!” I know it may not be, but that thought still lingers – good or bad. It’s also just frustrating that this wasn’t taken care of before. I could blame people or myself, but that would get us no where. And even still, I find moments where I’m content to be where I am in life on the family status. Not pregnant. You may think this sounds awful, but there are some perks to not being 7 months along. Don’t get me wrong, I would be swollen and proud of it if Elisha was still in my womb, but I’m learning to be content.

No more “ should be”. Instead I am embracing the “I’m not. It hurts sometimes, but I’m ok” mentality. Along with that, I’ve decided it’s best for me to leave Facebook for a season. With so many friends having babies and swollen bellies, it just sends me on an emotional roller coaster later in the day after I get on. I’m happy for them, I just need a little more space from it all. So I decided to stop inundating myself with baby news via Facebook where it’s ALL OVER my news feed.

I know it won’t be like this forever. For this season, I am choosing to be more wise with what I let myself dwell on and how much I see of certain things that are triggers for me. I am learning that my heart is still fragile, but God is good and I am to be a wise steward of protecting it. For those friends of mine that are pregnant, I’m not cutting off all connection, just on Facebook.  I want to hear how you are doing and am praying daily for health over you and the baby! I look forward to seeing and holding your baby someday… especially my sister’s. Callie May is due two weeks after our Elisha would have been. I know I will cry, but they will be tears of healing and happiness and gratitude for the life we had and for the life, that remains.

He is a good God, Always. And with that I can say, it is well with my soul.

What Does Normal Look Like?

As Jared and I have gone through some of the most trying times of our lives since we've been married (moving, changing jobs, church planting,etc)  nothing could have prepared us for the loss of our child. It has now been almost 3 months since our precious little one went to be with the Father. At the start of the grieving process, I contemplated quitting my job and was glad when I finished my 2 weeks notice. I prayed for a low stress job and ended up landing a delivery gig for a local florist. I am currently only allowed to do arrangements for the owners of deceased pets (it's okay to laugh)- among other things, but I will be moving up as my skill level increases! I am so thankful for this job, but in it I have begun to wrestle with delivering flowers to funeral homes. At first, it didn't bother me. But with Easter coming up, I am reminded that God knows our pain of losing our only child, I have been thinking about how our own child may never be remembered the way others who lived long lives do.

Now, I don't want you to think I am writing this to get sympathy or flowers or what have you. No, I am writing this because of how culture tends to see miscarriages. There is usually a condolence given and then nothing more. I'm not sure if it's because no one knows how to handle the loss of a person that was never "born" or if women are holding themselves responsible and thus grieve behind closed doors - ashamed to tell others that they couldn't bring forth life. It's a hard one to sort out. And each woman has her own way of grieving, just as each person has their own way of showing sympathy.

But I urge you. Don't forget them! The mother and the father are still trying to find what that normal in their lives should look like. This precious gift that was given to them and taken too soon was loved just as much as any other child they may have. So think on those who have had a miscarriage. Whether it was recently or years ago. Write them a note. Send them a letter. DO SOMETHING   to let them know you recognize their child. Last night, I came home to find a gift on my back door step. Inside was a beautiful blanket and 3 cards. 3 couples wanted to remind us that they were praying for us and show us they cared, knowing that we were still trying to grasp this new reality without our baby. Today as I sat wrapped in that blanket, I prayed for these couples that God would bless them more than they had Jared and me.

My own mother had 4 miscarriages. 3 were fairly close together and a friend wrote a beautiful poem/letter to my mother as if it were written by her children. This was framed and hung in the hallway for all to see. I remember reading it many times as I grew up. Mary, Joseph, Faith, and Isaiah were all remembered in our house.

What I am asking of you is please not to forget those children lost to a miscarriage. Reach out to the moms and dads.

p.s. Celebrating the life that was is helpful too. See where the mother is at, and let them dwell on how big their child would be now. Give them a place to share their joy along with their pain. 

Shattered Dream, Broken Hearts

A lot has happened in my life since I last blogged on here. I’ve learned and grown a lot over these past 9 months of marriage. Not just about myself, but about how my husband and I work together through everything we promised we would in our vows. 

Life is crazy and messy and sometimes it hurts more than we think we can handle, but the truth is… God is good through it all. Now, there was a time when I would have scoffed at that statement and said, “Yeah right. How good is a God that allowed me to miscarry our first child?” Truth is, that was a dark time for Jared and me. Well, there are days it still is. It’s only been 2 months, but the hurt is still there and very near. I’m getting ahead of myself, let me back up a bit.

It’s mid December and I just started working at Bashor Children’s Home in Goshen. This was my first real job since college and I was about to learn how intense it could be – working with mal-adapted children that have been abused, abused others, or used drugs definitely has its stressers! Earlier that week, I’d been feeling funny. My stomach had weird twinges and I was more hungry than normal. Thanks to my handy dandy charting for Family Planning, I was able to realize sooner than most that it was time to take a pregnancy test. We had some on hand from bridal gag gifts so I got up on a Saturday morning and went straight to take a test – Jared had no idea, he was playing a video game or something.

When that second pink line started to show up, I yelled “Jared! Come Here!” He came thinking he needed to kill a bug for me, but it didn’t take long for him to put 2 and 2 together with the pregnancy test on the counter and my shocked expression. The conversation went like this…

“Are we pregnant?!”

“umm… yes?”

“Seriously?!”

“This is crazy.”

“Holy cow we’re pregnant!”

“We are having a baby!”

“I KNOW!”

A few days later, we went and saw our family practitioner who suggested we see a Dr. who could help determine whether my hormone levels were high enough, but other than that we were good to go. We announced to my in-laws at our Christmas gathering with a black onesie that said “Baby Gregory August 2013” Less than a week later, Jared had chest pains and fainted, so we went to the ER. He was released soon after – it wasn’t heart issues, PTL! – but then I was checked in. I had been bleeding and wanted to make sure the baby was ok. We had a VERY early ultra sound and 3-D ultra sound. Little did we know these would be the only images we’d have of our baby. We were about 6 ½ weeks along. Everything checked out ok and I was released with an understanding to keep an eye on the spotting and take pre-natal vitamins. 

The next day we told my family and 2 days later, we realized that all 4 of us older siblings were expecting in 2013. My older sister, Lindsay, and I were only a week apart. We’ve always been close so this was an extra fun surprise for us! 

Now it’s New Year’s Day and I was working at Bashor again… I had just eaten dinner and then it happened. There is nothing more inhumane to me than having to flush your unborn child down a toilet as you sit there helplessly knowing there’s nothing you can do for something so small that you love so much. Words can’t describe the helplessness, disappointment, loss, pain, and guilt. It’s hard to not wonder what went wrong. “Why did my body reject such a precious gift?” There could be a million answers to that question, but I chose to not blame myself and I’m not going to hate my body for it. 

3 days later, my best friend got married and I was able to stand beside her as her matron of honor. In the middle of the reception, my oldest sister gave birth to my 3^rd niece(on the Smith side), Emily Mavis. I am very grateful that the LORD gave Jared and I the grace and strength to see her 2 hours old. It was hard at first, but I’ll never forget how it helped my hurting heart just a little bit to hold that tiny bundle. I know it meant a lot to my sister and brother-in-law as well.

 It’s hard not to cry as I type this. It helps to go over the details… re-live the good things. Healing is a process and Jared and I are learning how to go through it one day at a time. Let me leave you some ways you can help us heal…

1.       PLEASE! Do acknowledge that Jared and I are parents. We may not have living children, but we do have a child… birth certificate or not.

2.       Please do NOT tell us anything you wouldn’t tell parents that lost their 4yr old. To quote Doctor Seuss, “a person’s a person, no matter how small”

3.       Also, please refrain from saying things like “you can try again” or “the next egg will stick” or “you’ll have kids and they’ll be such a blessing”. I know all these things. When these things are said, I honestly want to hit someone. So this leads to my next helping point…

4.       Sometimes saying nothing means more than speaking when you’re not sure what to say.

5.       Acknowledging in some way that we’ve lost a child is more meaningful than anything.

6.       Please refrain from telling your whole story if you have gone through the same thing. I know you understand my situation, but my hurt is different. Please do not compare. Simply saying, “I have miscarried as well, and know it’s a hard healing process” is really all I need. If I invite you to share your story... feel free!

For now, we are finding our “new normal”. I hate it, but am learning to go through it anyway and some days I think about our child more than others. Sometimes I have to refrain myself from turning green when I see pregnant women. Just depends on how I’m doing that day. But I am healing…. One day at a time, one hug at a time, one tear at a time.

"The Nook"

The Ladies Of The Lord (or L.O.L. as we affectionately call it) at my church are doing a book study on Good to Great in God's Eyes by Chip Ingram. I'm not sure I even heard of this man before reading his book, but he's so wise and insightful. It's hard not to pick up the book and devour every  ounce of wisdom he offers in it. The book is about 10 things great Christians do in their lives that help them achieve greatness and righteousness in God's eyes. The title pretty much speaks for itself, but the 10 things in this book are invaluable things that are so logical, yet so full of wisdom when you put think on them and then put them into action.

Each chapter has a theme like "Pursue Great People" or "Think Great Thoughts". What struck me is that even though I'm on chapter four, these themes meld together as you start applying them to your daily life. The chapter, "Read Great Books" went right along with the last chapter I read "Dream Great Dreams". God doesn't just give us desires and dreams to say "Well, you screwed that one up so better luck with the next dream!" He wants us to cultivate these dreams and seek them in His power and might. Not our own. That's one of the key parts of having a dream. Knowing it's in His hands. I'm getting a little carried away... 

Back to my point... These two chapters went together because I just started reading Onward by Howard Schultz, the chairman, president, and ceo of Starbucks. (Fun fact: they don't use upper case letters to distinguish the higher ups from the other employees within their company). At the end of "Dream Great Dreams" I was challenged to write down my own dreams. One I dreamed up not too long ago came to mind and clicks completely with Onward. I have this idea of a coffee house. Now it's not an ordinary one, but a place of solitude, peace, and serenity. A place to order a latte then curl up with a good book, write that letter you've always wanted to, or just sit still and be.

This place would be called "The Nook". There would be no electronics allowed in the doors - except cellphones on vibrate. I want an environment that allows total freedom from the things of the world. A place for people to escape the chaotic schedule of daily life and to slip into a place all their own. I wouldn't sell anything besides a few books, coffee, tea, and some snacks. Just a simple place for a simple purpose. That is my dream. It sounds somewhat impossible to have such a place of tranquility in today's society, but I believe it can be done. This is my dream.

What's yours? What are you desiring and have a passion for? Are you taking steps towards it? What's holding you back? Often times it's ourselves. Take a step in faith. You never know what you'll find along the way.

Of Mice and Little Ladies

This all started about a month ago when I was vacuuming the house. I decided to move the couch from the "L" - shaped wall so I could vacuum behind it. That's when I got my first clue.... dog food scattered all over. Probably a good 30 pieces or so. Well, knowing it was the first time that spot had been vacuumed in goodness knows how long - remember, my husband was a bachelor for 3 years with a dog - I picked up the pieces and thought Gunnar's food had been spilled over there.

Fast forward a week or two, I notice a piece of dog food on the basement stairs. I thought it was funny since Gunnar usually goes up and down the stairs with me, but not while he's eating. Oh well. Once again, I figured Gunnar had maybe kicked it (20 ft) away from his bowl and under the basement door.

Now, we're up to Saturday night. I'm getting annoyed with the light above my head having one working bulb instead of 3 so I decide to change that. As I'm pushing the couch out of the "L", I notice another 10 pieces of dog food. So I pause... and tell Jared, "I think we have a mouse". At this time my poor husband is working on his sermon and has no idea what I'm talking about, so he somewhat annoyed says, "..um ok". Me, "I really think it's a mouse. How else would Gunnar's food get on the OTHER side of the wall when that's not possible and we know he's too big to get under the couch." And once again, Jared - trying to be patient with me - looks at me and says "I don't know Leah." The things I put my husband through. well, I decided if he was too busy I'd gather evidence. I compared the "couch" dog food with fresh ones and noticed the "couch" ones were nibbled down. Not to mention the droppings around them, Gunnar's massive size keeping him from getting under the couch, and the "L" shaped wall blocking any food from "jumping" out of Gunnar's bowl. I had my answer.

 After picking up THOSE pieces, Jared was done and we discussed the issue. Even got to show off my detective skills! So the next morning, I was curious. Sure enough, another 5 pieces were under the couch. We have a visitor. Maybe even more than one. It's obviously not the mouse that drowned in our water pump 2 months ago. Maybe a close relative. All I know is, this isn't my first rodeo (my roommates from the Row house in college can attest to that) and we are getting mouse traps.Once again, country life is always keeping me on my toes! Not to mention the broken down tractor in our front lawn, and half uprooted tree trunk. Ha ha ha All I'm missing is my cowgirl boots! I am officially a country girl - and loving every minute of it.

Also, I wanted to wrap this blog up with a Happy Birthday to my baby sister Londyn Grace Whitney Smith!!
She's a whopping 5 years old today! I miss that girl. My little diva/drama queen sister.

I always wanted a little sister. Took me until I was 18 to get one, but I love her very much and am so glad God blessed our family by adding her to the bunch. What a sweetie pie!

Yada This, Yada That

God has really been working on my heart in my prayer life since I've started reading the "Yada Yada Prayer Group" book series. I know it seems silly that a Christian Novel would be something God would speak through, but truely these books have inspired me to go beyond my normal comfort zone when it comes to prayer.

I remember back in May going to a women's breakfast at my old church and a friend of mine said she was starting a book study on "The Yada Yada Prayer Group" and it didn't stop there. She also addressed the importance of prayer and how the Lord had been working on her heart about that. I didn't understand the connection.

 

How can a novel really challenge your prayer life to become more intimate? Turns out, the small library in my po-dunk town has ALL of the "Yada Yada" books, so - out of curiosity  - I borrowed the first one. I admit, I wasn't too interested at first, but the faith these women show in their prayer lives and the way they pray makes you hunger for it in your own life. Yes, they're fictional characters, but the things they pray about are things that others around me or even I myself have experienced. It's an encouragement to read about a main character who struggles with her prayer life and learns to step out of her comfort zone to experience grace, freedom, joy, peace, mercy, and every gift the Father can give while maturing spiritually.

The issues raised are so real and genuine that I can't help but think of certain people in my life as I read these books. Don't get me wrong, I'm no expert at praying in the Psalms, having a "quiet time" every day, or praising the Lord the way these ladies do (which is with child-like abandon!)... but I want to try. And you know what? I think that's exactly what the Lord wants us to do...

"O taste and see
That the Lord is good
O taste and see
That the Lord is good to me

You've turned my mourning
Into dancing
Put off my rags and clothed me with gladness
And I will arise and I will praise you
I'll sing and not be silent

O Lord, My God
I will give thanks to you forever
O Lord, My God
I will give thanks to you

And I'll live only for you
And I'll lift these hands up to you
And I'll dance before you
I will shout it, I will shout it to you"

Open and Honest

Alright... it's time to pour my heart out... not completely open, but as much as I can.

I'm tired... I'm drained... some mornings, I just want to stay in bed. I even find myself on the verge of tears when I let myself process what has been going on in the past 2 weeks.We just announced to the church last Sunday, that my husband (the senior and only pastor) has gone from full time to part time which also includes a pay reduction. It not only grieves me what Jared and I are going through, but what this means for the church as well. My heart aches for Sand Ridge and the congregation there. I love them all to pieces! I've been all over with my emotions. Sad, angry, hurt, joyful, upset, frustrated, worried, concerned, thankful, etc. Really, any emotion you can name, I've been there!

That first Sunday the decision was made, Jared and I were somewhat in shock. Then as we processed God opened our eyes to what the possibilities could be for him, me, and above all, the church! This could be a great opportunity for SRCC to get back on their feet. We've had a lot happen, but one thing this church knows how to do right is Celebrate! I am determined to celebrate every thing I can in this time. Even in the pain, God is good. All the time.

It doesn't mean I won't have emotions to deal with or even struggle with the reality of where Jared and I are right now, but God is faithful and He is proving that to us as we keep our eyes open to it every day. We are conquerors in Christ Jesus. I bare this burden with great joy, just as Paul did. There is no despair in Him. Only hope. Hope for a better future - for Jared, for me, and for Sand Ridge.

p.s. I have an interview for part time work and will be applying for a full time position at another place soon. God really is opening doors so please join me in praying that I will follow His lead and that Jared will as well.